I believe in us

Love is simple in concept, but in actuality its quite complex. Our hearts have depths so vast that despite our best efforts we still come up short as we try to understand them.

- Hearts Last Surrender

Fear

I’m only afraid of one thing, but the concept is so beyond me that I only allow myself to think about it every so often. I couldn’t function properly if it was a constant.

Life, potentially, is meaningless. everything I do could be a waste of time.

When my brain tries to wrap itself around that idea, my heart begins to race. I start to sweat. My vision blurs. I get this reaction from nothing else.

I go to school. I go to class for hours upon hours, because learning about things that other people did will get me a degree. I want a degree because a degree will get me more money. I want money because money is needed to survive in society. I want a career to sustain this cash flow, because I want to buy things that I may or may not need for years and years and years. I want to be well-known through my career, and I want to be powerful, and I want be successful.

I’m convinced that the presence of someone important in my life will give me happiness. Because when I meet this person, I will be complete. We will live together for years and years and years and we will spend the money that I make with my degree. Along the way, I will travel to exotic places and make many new friends. They will be important, but this person will be the most important. We will be in love, and love is what makes a person feel complete.

And that will be life.

That will be life. That’s life. And that is what terrifies me.

What’s the point? Why do I want to be successful? Why do I want to be in love? I can’t take money to my grave, and I can’t keep a relationship when i’m dead. Those are the goals i’ve chosen for my life. Why do I even consider them important?

At the end of the day, I have no idea what we’re all working towards. I have no idea why we’re here. The significance of some events is beyond me. But this spurs me to think that there has to be more to life. That perhaps i’m missing something. That perhaps i’m just being a cynic. That my confidence does not come from having nothing to lose, but because I will change something by acting this way. That perhaps one day i will realize what it’s all about.

But I can’t help have the overwhelming feeling in the back of my head that all of my actions are in vain. And that is really what’s so frightening.