I believe in us

Love is simple in concept, but in actuality its quite complex. Our hearts have depths so vast that despite our best efforts we still come up short as we try to understand them.

- Hearts Last Surrender

Fear

I’m only afraid of one thing, but the concept is so beyond me that I only allow myself to think about it every so often. I couldn’t function properly if it was a constant.

Life, potentially, is meaningless. everything I do could be a waste of time.

When my brain tries to wrap itself around that idea, my heart begins to race. I start to sweat. My vision blurs. I get this reaction from nothing else.

I go to school. I go to class for hours upon hours, because learning about things that other people did will get me a degree. I want a degree because a degree will get me more money. I want money because money is needed to survive in society. I want a career to sustain this cash flow, because I want to buy things that I may or may not need for years and years and years. I want to be well-known through my career, and I want to be powerful, and I want be successful.

I’m convinced that the presence of someone important in my life will give me happiness. Because when I meet this person, I will be complete. We will live together for years and years and years and we will spend the money that I make with my degree. Along the way, I will travel to exotic places and make many new friends. They will be important, but this person will be the most important. We will be in love, and love is what makes a person feel complete.

And that will be life.

That will be life. That’s life. And that is what terrifies me.

What’s the point? Why do I want to be successful? Why do I want to be in love? I can’t take money to my grave, and I can’t keep a relationship when i’m dead. Those are the goals i’ve chosen for my life. Why do I even consider them important?

At the end of the day, I have no idea what we’re all working towards. I have no idea why we’re here. The significance of some events is beyond me. But this spurs me to think that there has to be more to life. That perhaps i’m missing something. That perhaps i’m just being a cynic. That my confidence does not come from having nothing to lose, but because I will change something by acting this way. That perhaps one day i will realize what it’s all about.

But I can’t help have the overwhelming feeling in the back of my head that all of my actions are in vain. And that is really what’s so frightening.

Progress

I recently listened to a song by a band called Goot called Progress, never has a song touched me so much. To listen to it please visit:

http://www.myspace.com/goot

Lyrics:

We live, we die,
we go out of our minds,
we talk about planets,
we laugh, we cry,
we keep track of the time,
and how we take it for granted.
we're moving forward,
we're doing fine,
we're making progress with our lives,
but do we even know why,
get up, get out,
you'll stay here forever,
do we know why?
we've got to make progress.
we're making progress.
today.

It's still alive

Yesterday at the doctor I over heard an elderly woman in a wheelchair tell a man "oh i'm going to live for a long time". It's that kind of optimism you don't see these days.

- I'm so sorry for not keeping up with my blog, school has over powered my life. I'm going to do my best to get my site going again. Thank you for all your support.

Writing for the sake of living

There is no expiration date stapled to out foreheads, the amount of time we spend on this earth is never definite. Today could well likely be your last.

"In Ancient Greece it was a practice of philosophers to keep a human skull on their desk. The idea was; only with a constant awareness of or impending death can we appreciate our lives."
- Catacombs

I have heard so many ways to live: for every second, for every day, for every memory, for the future, for the past. But when it all comes down to it, there is only one way to live your life. Live it for yourself, do what you want to do. Live how you want to live. It is your life. I will admit that times get hard, but that is when you remind yourself that tomorrow is a new day and another chance to wake up at peace in a sea of ease.

My life story

Someday when I have experienced all there is to experience and my eyes have seen all that can be seen, I would like to sit down with someone and tell them the story of my life without leaving any details out. I believe that thoughts are the minds heartbeats so during this conversation I hope to spill them like an EKG in the hospital. I’d share with this individual what my life was like behind the scenes. The dam around my heart as mentioned in my previous post will be torn down and my emotions will surge out like a raging river. I want to make sure my words do not go untold. I anticipate that at some point during this conversation I share what my wedding was like, even if this conversation does not entail one I won’t mind. I am not afraid of being alone, because as quoted from an outside source, “if we’re all alone, we’re all together in something.” At the end of this conversation I want to stare intently into this individuals eyes and tell him or her that I was nobody but myself my whole life.

Thought Refuge

It seems as if I am constantly reassuring myself that things are going to get better. And yet I wish that I did not have to reassure myself every morning, and every night. I do not want sleep to be my only escape for the rest of my life. When I am awake, I cannot escape from myself. These thoughts never seem to cease, and yet it is the same thoughts that run through my mind every single day. I am tired of searching, why can't I just be found. Sometimes I wish I was ignorant and simple-minded. I wish I could spend at least one minute of my day without any thoughts. It is about time I stopped worrying and started living. I have to build a dam around my heart just to keep these emotions from storming into what I have already built up. And let me tell you my dam is not as strong as it once was. Who is going to be there for me when I need help getting myself off the ground when my dam breaks? I just want to be able to accept what is and what will be. I am sick and tired of things falling into place only to have them ripped from my griping hands. What's the point of living with an open heart--an overflowing one, at that--and an open, understanding mind? Why, if it only hurts me in the end?